Friday, July 28, 2017

Death of a Dream

Ten of Air from The Gaian Tarot

A little over 19 years ago now my parents, younger sister and niece and my baby sister all moved back to NH from PA, but I was unable to move with them at the time since I was still married and we had two children. There wasn't an easy way to move our family of four there to join everyone, and he didn't want to anyway, so we stayed here. A year later we got divorced and I had to give him custody of our sons since I had nobody to watch them unless all of my income went to childcare, plus he made a lot of threats that I believed he'd follow through on. 

However, from that moment on I kept dreaming of the day that I could move back home and join my family--once my sons were grown up. It was a long wait and every visit home made it harder. Visiting the lakes and mountains, the ocean and all of the wonderful sights that are part of my home state just made me long to go there even more.

Seven years ago, I married a man who loves that area as much as I do and we started to talk about moving back there once the kids were all adults and on their own. It's an area that is very supportive of small businesses and has few large chain stores, and I've always dreamed of having my own shop. We looked on at houses for sale and made plans and spun our dreams, and waited while they all started jobs and college--and even while his younger son had a delay in his education. 

Finally, we started to look forward to selling our house in PA in spring of 2018--and I started making all kinds of plans for what we could do. Then we realized our two youngest are in serious relationships that are likely to lead to marriage and children. Our grandchildren. 

I grew up in NH with my nuclear family being all that I had since my Dad is from Evanston,IL and my Mom is from Troy, NY. I never really knew my grandparents that well despite visiting them twice a year, and I don't know my extended family hardly at all. Since they moved to NH when my sons were so young, they hardly know my side of the family at all. We decided after a long, hard discussion that we're not going to move after all. 

It's not easy to let go of a dream you've held for so long, especially when it means staying in an area that feels toxic to you rather than getting to move to where you really feel at home. After all, we live in a valley that's polluted by toxins from coal mining, industrial waste and now hydrofracturing for natural gas. You can't eat the fish out of the waters here and can't even swim in most of the water despite it being a valley full of rivers and streams. I miss the clean mountain streams at home where you can still drink the water--it's so pure that it's actually bottled for sale. 

But then the other day I pulled into our driveway after work and my stepson and his girlfriend were both parked in front of the house, and as a big smile crossed my face I let out a sigh and felt glad that I was coming home to this house in this place. This is where my family is now. This is where I'll help our kids plan weddings, attend those weddings, and welcome my grandchildren into the world--and that's the more important dream. 

I still want to have my own shop, and have decided that someday I will. For now, my husband and I are working on developing our dreams for here in PA. 

This is the true meaning of the Ten of Air, or Ten of Swords. The reason it's usually drawn in RWS clone decks as being so ghastly compared to the death card is because the death of a dream, plan or goal you've held for a long time always hurts more than any physical death, and it's harder to recover from it to create something new. Still, if you look over the horizon the sun is coming up over the mountains as a new day begins and those mountains present new challenges that can be scaled to see new vistas. New dreams, plans and goals are always possible.